Destiny's calling – it's time to answer! / / Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

Posts tagged ‘change’

Got Mental Weeds?

Garden of thoughts

“I can do it!”
“I have what it takes.”
“I am a good person.”
Personal affirmations like the ones above are touted by most self-help gurus. They tell us to say these things to ourselves every day, emphasizing that you should look in the mirror when you say them.

I’m not knocking that – positive affirmations are definitely better than what most of us hear in our heads. Things like …
“How could you say something so stupid?”
“I’ll never make it. I’m a failure.”

Those gurus tell us that if we monitor our negative “self-talk” and replace it with positive affirmations, our lives will change dramatically.

The problem is – it doesn’t usually work so well. Your mind says, “Who are you kidding? You think saying these statements is going to magically make them true?” The words feel empty – lacking the power of transformation.

So what can be done? I discovered a few years ago that part of the reason why positive affirmations don’t work very well is that the negative statements we believe about ourselves are anchored by emotional experiences. As long as the emotional anchor is still there, no amount of pretty words is going to remove it.

In many cases, those negative statements were said to us when we were emotionally vulnerable – by someone we admired or loved (i.e. parent, teacher, coach). Sometimes we said them to ourselves when we felt rejected by someone else.

We’ve got to deal with the emotional anchor – the memory of the pain – before we can let go of the negative statement and replace it with a positive one. I am amazed that a lot of self-help books skip this part. It is critical to successful transformation!

Action step: In order to remove the negative statement you believe about yourself, you’ve got to get to the root. Just like in gardening, if you cut a weed at the base but leave the roots in the ground, guess what will happen? The weed will grow back – just like those negative thoughts. You have to dig into the dirt and pull the weed up by the roots. What’s nice is that when you do that, it leaves a little hole for the new seed to be planted. That’s where the positive affirmation comes in.

I have an exercise in my book called the Lie Detector. It can be used to “uproot” those negative statements you believe. It involves forgiving the person who caused you pain when they said those statements about you – sometimes that person was you.

If you’d like some help with the gardening process, please give me a call! I’d love to help you pull some weeds so you have space to grow beautiful flowers. What you plant will grow – the choice is YOURS. Contact me

Flowers from my Garden

What does it mean to be free?

Freedom quote Camus

Here’s something to think about …what does does it mean to be free?

You may have seen my tag line, “You can be as FREE as you WANT to be – what does that look like for YOU?” What does freedom mean to you? Some would say it’s freedom from emotional pain, stress or conflict. Others might say it is “freedom to be me” without fear or embarrassment. Many of us enjoy great freedom in the United States – we are not restricted in the type of job we can choose, the type of house or apartment we live in, the place we can drive and visit. We have a lot of external freedom, unlike some countries.

But external freedom only goes so far in helping us find happiness. If you are not free on the inside to enjoy life, then your external freedom doesn’t really mean much to you. I know many people who WISH they could be free from fear, anxiety, rejection, discouragement, stress, disappointment, etc. Are you one of them? Do you know HOW to find freedom from these things? Personal freedom is something only YOU can choose – no one else can do it for you. I am excited that I can be as FREE as I want to be – it’s something I work on every day. I WANT to be free … from stress, worry, feeling anxious, etc. How about you?

Think about your experience of daily life. Which things would you like to be free from? Make a short list. Pick 1 thing from your list and ponder how to become free of it. Making a small change in your daily life can reap BIG rewards.

If you get stuck, contact me for a coaching session to help you find the freedom you want. You’ll be surprised how simple it is to find freedom when you know what steps to take. I’ll help you. 🙂

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

Things can CHANGE for the better – I promise!

Q30 Things CAN change
“Things can CHANGE for the better – I promise!” – Sandy Walker

They really CAN change. I’ve seen it happen many, many times. If you are willing to adjust and make different choices, then things will change.

If you’d like some support in making some changes in your life, please let me know. Or if you want things to change for the better, but you don’t know how to start, that’s definitely something I can help you with. You can contact me privately through my website www.destinysfreedom.com.

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

BE the change

Q15 Less Selfish

DID YOU KNOW? The more loved you feel, the less selfish you will act. So Love yourself & others! BE the change.

Let someone love you …

Let someone love you clear

Let someone love you just as you are – and let that someone by you.

Can you do that today? Are you ready to start? It’s really worth it. YOU’RE really worth it ♥

Start small … pay attention to the things you LIKE about yourself. Comment on them in your head. Replace the nagging criticism in your thoughts with some positive comments – you’ll be surprised how much BETTER that feels. 🙂

Being Highly Sensitive – What a revelation!

I am learning about the Highly Sensitive Person – a term coined by Dr. Elaine Aron. Wow – what a revelation! It completely reframes my perspective on life.

What is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)? It is someone who is more aware of stimulation to their senses than the average person. About 20% of the population is highly sensitive. Another 22-27% is moderately sensitive whereas about 50% of the population is not sensitive at all.

How do you know if you are an HSP? Are you very aware of things like the temperature in the room? The lighting – either too harsh or too dim? How about sounds – do you notice things other people don’t notice? Or are you jangled when you hear a siren go by whereas others seem to tune it out? How about smells? Tastes?

Another aspect of the HSP is their “knowing” – they have strong intuition and part of their sensitivity makes them vulnerable to other people’s moods or “vibes”. An HSP can often tell instantly when someone is upset, even when the person pretends to be fine.

This is an excellent trait if you have it. It can also make life especially burdensome if you don’t understand why things bother you so much more than others. You might be considered the “party pooper” because loud music, lots of people and bright lights make your head hurt and you want to go home. You might not “fit in” with the rambunctious dance crowd at the club.

However, an HSP makes a great friend, a good partner and an excellent parent. Their sensitivity means they are more tuned into you and what you need. As a parent, they are attentive and can intuitively sense what a child needs. As a partner or friend, they can connect with you at a much deeper level than some of your shallower friends.

In some cultures, sensitivity is highly respected. In America, not so much. We value those that are loud, bold and ready to take on any challenge. Being out in the busy “marketplace” of ideas may be intimidating to an HSP, especially if they have to present them before a large crowd. So they are not often as acknowledged for their depth of insight and understanding. In the right positions though, they will flourish.

One of the key things I am learning about this trait is how much it can make everyday life overwhelming for an HSP. Being overstimulated by your senses really drains you. After a long day at work or even shopping can make you want to isolate and withdraw from all stimulation.

It’s important to know your limits and try to reduce the amount of stimulation you are exposed to before it becomes overwhelming. For some, this might mean changing their job or moving to a quieter neighborhood. It also means knowing when to say “No” in social situations – you don’t have to go to every party. Maybe meeting with just a few friends at home would be more enjoyable than a night out on the town with a crowd.

Pay attention to what drains you. Schedule plenty of “down time” and find out what recharges your batteries. Is it nature? Being quiet? Being alone? Figure it out and make sure you get what you need during each day or week. In time, this gift can really enable you to flourish. The first step is realizing you have it!

Are you an HSP? Take the test online
Wanna know more about this? Check out Elaine Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You
Click the book cover below to find out more:

If you are an HSP, what do you do to cope? Feel free to comment below. You can also contact me privately through my website www.destinysfreedom.com.

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

You are NOT a loser!

This topic keeps coming to my attention – WHY do we reject ourselves? And what can we do about it?

I realized the other day that when people are insecure it’s because they have rejected themselves internally. They think, “I am a loser. I am not worthy to be loved. There’s something really wrong with me.” They may not have those exact thoughts, but the feelings are there in some form.

People who are insecure are afraid to show others who they really are – they are afraid to be honest and authentic because they are afraid they will be rejected by others.

But the truth is, other people do not determine your value or worth. You are deciding to reject yourself based on other people’s reactions to you. This is messed up thinking! [For more on this topic, refer to the post: Stop Rejecting Yourself!]

IT’S TIME TO SHIFT!

YOU are not a loser! YOU are an amazing being! You are created to give and receive love. You are worthy of being loved – just as you are today. Who told you otherwise? Why did you believe them? Why are you continuing to reject your true inner self? Why?

Let’s go over some things you need to do to correct this. On the last post, someone wrote to ask how to stop rejecting herself. I gave a brief reply. Now let’s go into greater detail.

1. Recognize that you are rejecting yourself. The first step is acknowledgment that you are doing it. If you start paying attention, you’ll notice when you are doing this. It is probably so “normal” to you that you may not even recognize it at first. Pay attention to the things you say to yourself internally like “That was stupid!” or other critical remarks.

2. Acknowledge that this is not healthy for you. You deserve to be loved, not rejected.

3. Decide to change. You actually have to DECIDE to change – it doesn’t just happen because you are now aware of it.

4. Acknowledge to your True Self that you realize how much this has hurt you. Get angry at yourself for betraying yourself and letting yourself down. Really – let the feelings out. It might make you cry. You might need to punch something (like a pillow) or write a nasty letter to yourself detailing how much pain this has caused you. Acknowledge it. It’s a BIG deal. You’ve been rejecting yourself a long time so there’s a lot of pain there. It might take some time to process it all – or it might come in “layers” – a little today, a little next week, next month, next year. Deal with it as you see it.

5. Apologize. Yes, I mean say to your True Self, “I’m sorry for ignoring you, rejecting you and neglecting your needs. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for hating you at times. It was wrong. Please forgive me.” No, it is not crazy to talk to yourself like this – you had no problem telling yourself you were stupid or fat or other negative things. Now it’s time to apologize. Sincerely apologize.

6. Forgive yourself. Your True Self needs to say, “Yes, you hurt me, but I forgive you. I release you from the harm you caused me and I let it go.” You will be surprised how much freer you will feel after you say this. There might be specific instances you need to remember and specifically forgive. It might take some time – don’t rush it. Go at your own pace. But no matter what – choose to forgive. It’s a choice. It’s not a feeling. It’s an act of your will. Don’t hold a grudge – let it go.

7. Validate yourself. Start paying attention to your good qualities. Make positive comments to yourself – “you did that well”, “I like that outfit on you”, “you’re really a good cook/parent/partner, etc.” Be honest. Recognize what you do well. Once you forgive yourself and stop rejecting yourself, it’s a LOT easier to see your good qualities.

8. Allow your True Self to express itself to others. Start small – your family or closest friends. Be authentic. Be honest about who you are and what you’re doing. You will feel SO MUCH better doing this than you used to. Try it. Be bold!

When you no longer reject yourself, you feel secure. This enables you to share your True Self with others. And you don’t care so much how they react because if they don’t like you, you realize that’s THEIR problem, not yours. [Again, to see more about how this works, read the previous post: Stop Rejecting Yourself! It’s a worth reading.]

Yes, I know it’s easy to just read all these steps. It’s a lot harder to actually DO them. But I’ll be honest and transparent with YOU now – I’ve done these 8 steps. I’m still doing them. I’ve been doing them for years. Once I realized self-rejection was holding me back, I started doing these steps. And you know what? I am so incredibly free now. I am confident. I am happy (most of the time :)). I am not afraid to be myself. People can trust me because they know I am authentic – I’m not fake. This gives them permission to be authentic themselves, if they choose to. It also removes the pressure in my relationships – I’m not asking people to be anything other than themselves. People regularly tell me, “Thanks for letting me be ME.” That’s an awesome compliment to me and I don’t feel like I DID anything. I was just being ME. 🙂

This is probably a lot to digest. But since this topic keeps coming up I figured somebody needs this information – was it you?

I love to help people deal with self-rejection and become self-confident and secure. Feel free to comment below. Or you can contact me privately for coaching through my website www.destinysfreedom.com. I’d LOVE to hear from you! ♥

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

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