Destiny's calling – it's time to answer! / / Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

Posts tagged ‘choices’

Does Familiarity Breed Contempt? You choose

This week during the Couples Workshop we discussed the cliché, “Familiarity breeds contempt”. Unfortunately, this is often true when it comes to long-term romantic relationships. They start out full of excitement and energy, but after a while couples can fall into the rut of contempt. Getting to know someone very well in the day-to-day challenges of life can cause you to start noticing all the little things about them that annoy you. If you are not careful, you can allow this annoyance to turn into disrespect. Disrespect, if nurtured by further disappointment and negative thinking, can become full-blown contempt. Once a couple reaches the stage of mutual disrespect and contempt, it is very hard to save the relationship.

What can you do?

You spent a lot of time and energy finding your partner – it’s worth it to invest in keeping the relationship healthy and full of life! The secret is – you get to CHOOSE whether you allow your heart to cultivate contempt or not. Isn’t that surprising? YOU are the only one who determines whether or not you will allow familiarity to breed contempt. It doesn’t have to – it can actually breed the opposite: Admiration and Intimacy.

Action step: If you notice yourself thinking a lot of negative thoughts about the one you love, stop and reconsider. YOU get to choose your own thoughts. Separate in your mind the behavior from the person – too often we jump to conclusions about WHY a person does what they do. You really don’t know and when you jump to conclusions, you tend to pass judgment on them. Don’t do that! Give them the benefit of the doubt – treat them as you would want to be treated. Assume the best, not the worst. Practice gratitude – daily think of things you are grateful for that your partner does. Make a point of telling them what you are grateful for – a partner that feels loved and appreciated will have greater respect and gratitude for YOU. See how that works? You treat them the way you want to be treated and you reap the positivity that you’ve given them. This cultivates intimacy instead of contempt.


If you find yourself struggling with this, contact me. I can help you work through this issue and turn your relationship around! I have tools and techniques that help you “pull your weeds” and plant better seeds to that you can enjoy the fruit of your garden. Having someone help you with this makes it much easier and the work goes much faster!

Abundance or Lack?

Abundance vs Scarcity

What are YOU thinking about today?

This poster really caught my eye. Your mindset determines how you view the world and what you expect to happen to you. This is very important to pay attention to – which one describes you?

Abundance mindset
Have a sense of gratitude
Compliments others
Forgives others
Reads every day & talks about ideas
Wants others to succeed
Sets goals and knows who they want to be
Exudes joy

Scarcity mindset
Have a sense of entitlement
Criticizes others
Holds grudges
Watches TV every day & talks about people
Hopes that others fail
Does not set goals and does not know who they want to be
Exudes anger/anxiety

Do you realize each item on this list is a CHOICE? People tend to think of themselves as the victim of their circumstances or other people’s choices, but in reality we get to CHOOSE what to do with what life hands us. We can cry about how sour life is or we can make lemonade from the lemons we are handed. The choice is ours to make.

Action step: Choose 1 item from the Scarcity mindset that sounds like you (there’s probably at least 1 that you fall into from time to time … or daily). Look for the opposite characteristic in the Abundance mindset. [There are more on the poster than just the ones I listed above. Pinch the screen to enlarge it.] Determine that from now on you will make a different CHOICE. You will choose to BE a different person … it’s all based on your choices, you know. You get to CHOOSE who you will BE – did you know that? No one can MAKE you be the person with the Scarcity mindset just as no one can MAKE you think like the Abundance mindset. It’s completely up to YOU.

You get to CHOOSE who you will BE – did you know that?

Go BE amazing!! I believe you can do it!!

Call me if you need help – I’ll cheer you on.  305-781-6229 or swalker@destinyfreedom.com

Got Mental Weeds?

Garden of thoughts

“I can do it!”
“I have what it takes.”
“I am a good person.”
Personal affirmations like the ones above are touted by most self-help gurus. They tell us to say these things to ourselves every day, emphasizing that you should look in the mirror when you say them.

I’m not knocking that – positive affirmations are definitely better than what most of us hear in our heads. Things like …
“How could you say something so stupid?”
“I’ll never make it. I’m a failure.”

Those gurus tell us that if we monitor our negative “self-talk” and replace it with positive affirmations, our lives will change dramatically.

The problem is – it doesn’t usually work so well. Your mind says, “Who are you kidding? You think saying these statements is going to magically make them true?” The words feel empty – lacking the power of transformation.

So what can be done? I discovered a few years ago that part of the reason why positive affirmations don’t work very well is that the negative statements we believe about ourselves are anchored by emotional experiences. As long as the emotional anchor is still there, no amount of pretty words is going to remove it.

In many cases, those negative statements were said to us when we were emotionally vulnerable – by someone we admired or loved (i.e. parent, teacher, coach). Sometimes we said them to ourselves when we felt rejected by someone else.

We’ve got to deal with the emotional anchor – the memory of the pain – before we can let go of the negative statement and replace it with a positive one. I am amazed that a lot of self-help books skip this part. It is critical to successful transformation!

Action step: In order to remove the negative statement you believe about yourself, you’ve got to get to the root. Just like in gardening, if you cut a weed at the base but leave the roots in the ground, guess what will happen? The weed will grow back – just like those negative thoughts. You have to dig into the dirt and pull the weed up by the roots. What’s nice is that when you do that, it leaves a little hole for the new seed to be planted. That’s where the positive affirmation comes in.

I have an exercise in my book called the Lie Detector. It can be used to “uproot” those negative statements you believe. It involves forgiving the person who caused you pain when they said those statements about you – sometimes that person was you.

If you’d like some help with the gardening process, please give me a call! I’d love to help you pull some weeds so you have space to grow beautiful flowers. What you plant will grow – the choice is YOURS. Contact me

Flowers from my Garden

FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real

Q37 Look for Proof

FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real – Look for Proof!

Most of us think our thoughts are accurate. We trust our own thinking so much that we do not think to question our own thoughts.

That’s why I love this statement – FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. Often when we are afraid, it is not based on reality. It is based on assumptions and on inaccurate information.

When my clients express a fear, I ask them for proof. They pause, stammer a minute and then realize that they don’t have any. We are so used to just believing everything that comes to our minds that we lose the ability to examine what is at the root of our fears. I don’t want them to look silly (being unable to prove that their fear is based on reality), but at the same time, I want to teach them to question their assumptions.

For instance, a lady came to me once and said she wanted to become a confident communicator. She was afraid to start conversations at parties because she didn’t feel confident. We worked on some communication skills to help build her confidence. She improved and was ready to try out her new skills. However, she still felt afraid of “looking dumb”.

So, I asked her to prove it to me. “Are you dumb?” I asked. She gave me a shocked expression and said, “No, of course not!” Then I asked her if she had ever had trouble in school due to learning difficulties or speech impediments that made her “feel dumb” among other children. She said no.

“So how would you “look dumb” in conversation?” I asked her. I wanted her to figure out exactly what her fear was. What she realized was that “looking dumb” was a judgment. She was afraid that either someone else would judge what she had to say as “dumb” or she would think what she said was “dumb”. So we worked on these specific things. First, you cannot control other people’s judgment of you. She had to let that go. For her, the primary issue was judging herself as “dumb”. We did some work on that – to learn self-acceptance and self-compassion. And her fear melted away.

The next time she went to a social gathering, she emailed me to tell me how smoothly it went. She successfully started several conversation with strangers and acquaintances and never once did she “look dumb” in her estimation. Success!

Take some time to examine your fears. Can you find proof that what you imagine will happen actually has a good chance of happening? And if it does, then what? When we break down our fears, often we discover that they are based on a fuzzy sense of logic. By breaking them down, we can overcome them.

Try it and let me know how it works for you! ♥

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

What does it mean to be free?

Freedom quote Camus

Here’s something to think about …what does does it mean to be free?

You may have seen my tag line, “You can be as FREE as you WANT to be – what does that look like for YOU?” What does freedom mean to you? Some would say it’s freedom from emotional pain, stress or conflict. Others might say it is “freedom to be me” without fear or embarrassment. Many of us enjoy great freedom in the United States – we are not restricted in the type of job we can choose, the type of house or apartment we live in, the place we can drive and visit. We have a lot of external freedom, unlike some countries.

But external freedom only goes so far in helping us find happiness. If you are not free on the inside to enjoy life, then your external freedom doesn’t really mean much to you. I know many people who WISH they could be free from fear, anxiety, rejection, discouragement, stress, disappointment, etc. Are you one of them? Do you know HOW to find freedom from these things? Personal freedom is something only YOU can choose – no one else can do it for you. I am excited that I can be as FREE as I want to be – it’s something I work on every day. I WANT to be free … from stress, worry, feeling anxious, etc. How about you?

Think about your experience of daily life. Which things would you like to be free from? Make a short list. Pick 1 thing from your list and ponder how to become free of it. Making a small change in your daily life can reap BIG rewards.

If you get stuck, contact me for a coaching session to help you find the freedom you want. You’ll be surprised how simple it is to find freedom when you know what steps to take. I’ll help you. 🙂

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

Things can CHANGE for the better – I promise!

Q30 Things CAN change
“Things can CHANGE for the better – I promise!” – Sandy Walker

They really CAN change. I’ve seen it happen many, many times. If you are willing to adjust and make different choices, then things will change.

If you’d like some support in making some changes in your life, please let me know. Or if you want things to change for the better, but you don’t know how to start, that’s definitely something I can help you with. You can contact me privately through my website www.destinysfreedom.com.

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

Open Up! ♥

Q29 Open UP

What the mind can conceive, the heart can receive … Open Up! – Sandy Walker

Did you know that if you cannot conceive of something, then it is virtually impossible to receive it?

I have often heard people say in reference to someone else’s good fortune, “That could never happen to me!” And you know what? It won’t. They cannot imagine something that good happening for them – therefore, it is not likely to happen.

Your expectation really does affect what comes into your life.

So if you are wishing you had ____________ in your life (fill in the blank), then start imagining what life would be like if you had it. How would you FEEL if you had that thing (i.e. that job, that kind of person in your life, etc.)? How would life be different? How would it affect your behavior, your thoughts, your emotions? Do a little daydreaming here – in fact, do it every day.

Thinking like this will shift the way you think and what you start looking for. You’ll make decisions based on your expectations. This will open doors for you – new things will start happening in your life. You’ll get direction and you’ll recognize it because you’ve been daydreaming about what life could be like.

Try it – then let me know what happens. Because if you don’t, it never will. 🙂

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