Destiny's calling – it's time to answer! / / Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

Posts tagged ‘forgive’

Got Mental Weeds?

Garden of thoughts

“I can do it!”
“I have what it takes.”
“I am a good person.”
Personal affirmations like the ones above are touted by most self-help gurus. They tell us to say these things to ourselves every day, emphasizing that you should look in the mirror when you say them.

I’m not knocking that – positive affirmations are definitely better than what most of us hear in our heads. Things like …
“How could you say something so stupid?”
“I’ll never make it. I’m a failure.”

Those gurus tell us that if we monitor our negative “self-talk” and replace it with positive affirmations, our lives will change dramatically.

The problem is – it doesn’t usually work so well. Your mind says, “Who are you kidding? You think saying these statements is going to magically make them true?” The words feel empty – lacking the power of transformation.

So what can be done? I discovered a few years ago that part of the reason why positive affirmations don’t work very well is that the negative statements we believe about ourselves are anchored by emotional experiences. As long as the emotional anchor is still there, no amount of pretty words is going to remove it.

In many cases, those negative statements were said to us when we were emotionally vulnerable – by someone we admired or loved (i.e. parent, teacher, coach). Sometimes we said them to ourselves when we felt rejected by someone else.

We’ve got to deal with the emotional anchor – the memory of the pain – before we can let go of the negative statement and replace it with a positive one. I am amazed that a lot of self-help books skip this part. It is critical to successful transformation!

Action step: In order to remove the negative statement you believe about yourself, you’ve got to get to the root. Just like in gardening, if you cut a weed at the base but leave the roots in the ground, guess what will happen? The weed will grow back – just like those negative thoughts. You have to dig into the dirt and pull the weed up by the roots. What’s nice is that when you do that, it leaves a little hole for the new seed to be planted. That’s where the positive affirmation comes in.

I have an exercise in my book called the Lie Detector. It can be used to “uproot” those negative statements you believe. It involves forgiving the person who caused you pain when they said those statements about you – sometimes that person was you.

If you’d like some help with the gardening process, please give me a call! I’d love to help you pull some weeds so you have space to grow beautiful flowers. What you plant will grow – the choice is YOURS. Contact me

Flowers from my Garden

Forgiveness sets YOU free – not the other person

Q08 Forgiveness Key

Choosing to Forgive … Unlocks the Cell to the Prison inside your heart – it sets YOU free!

Did you realize that? It’s kind of an oxymoron – it’s counterintuitive. We think that by holding a grudge we are making the other person “pay” for what they did to us. But in reality – they don’t feel a thing! WE are the ones in that prison cell.

Ponder that today ….

You are NOT a loser!

This topic keeps coming to my attention – WHY do we reject ourselves? And what can we do about it?

I realized the other day that when people are insecure it’s because they have rejected themselves internally. They think, “I am a loser. I am not worthy to be loved. There’s something really wrong with me.” They may not have those exact thoughts, but the feelings are there in some form.

People who are insecure are afraid to show others who they really are – they are afraid to be honest and authentic because they are afraid they will be rejected by others.

But the truth is, other people do not determine your value or worth. You are deciding to reject yourself based on other people’s reactions to you. This is messed up thinking! [For more on this topic, refer to the post: Stop Rejecting Yourself!]

IT’S TIME TO SHIFT!

YOU are not a loser! YOU are an amazing being! You are created to give and receive love. You are worthy of being loved – just as you are today. Who told you otherwise? Why did you believe them? Why are you continuing to reject your true inner self? Why?

Let’s go over some things you need to do to correct this. On the last post, someone wrote to ask how to stop rejecting herself. I gave a brief reply. Now let’s go into greater detail.

1. Recognize that you are rejecting yourself. The first step is acknowledgment that you are doing it. If you start paying attention, you’ll notice when you are doing this. It is probably so “normal” to you that you may not even recognize it at first. Pay attention to the things you say to yourself internally like “That was stupid!” or other critical remarks.

2. Acknowledge that this is not healthy for you. You deserve to be loved, not rejected.

3. Decide to change. You actually have to DECIDE to change – it doesn’t just happen because you are now aware of it.

4. Acknowledge to your True Self that you realize how much this has hurt you. Get angry at yourself for betraying yourself and letting yourself down. Really – let the feelings out. It might make you cry. You might need to punch something (like a pillow) or write a nasty letter to yourself detailing how much pain this has caused you. Acknowledge it. It’s a BIG deal. You’ve been rejecting yourself a long time so there’s a lot of pain there. It might take some time to process it all – or it might come in “layers” – a little today, a little next week, next month, next year. Deal with it as you see it.

5. Apologize. Yes, I mean say to your True Self, “I’m sorry for ignoring you, rejecting you and neglecting your needs. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for hating you at times. It was wrong. Please forgive me.” No, it is not crazy to talk to yourself like this – you had no problem telling yourself you were stupid or fat or other negative things. Now it’s time to apologize. Sincerely apologize.

6. Forgive yourself. Your True Self needs to say, “Yes, you hurt me, but I forgive you. I release you from the harm you caused me and I let it go.” You will be surprised how much freer you will feel after you say this. There might be specific instances you need to remember and specifically forgive. It might take some time – don’t rush it. Go at your own pace. But no matter what – choose to forgive. It’s a choice. It’s not a feeling. It’s an act of your will. Don’t hold a grudge – let it go.

7. Validate yourself. Start paying attention to your good qualities. Make positive comments to yourself – “you did that well”, “I like that outfit on you”, “you’re really a good cook/parent/partner, etc.” Be honest. Recognize what you do well. Once you forgive yourself and stop rejecting yourself, it’s a LOT easier to see your good qualities.

8. Allow your True Self to express itself to others. Start small – your family or closest friends. Be authentic. Be honest about who you are and what you’re doing. You will feel SO MUCH better doing this than you used to. Try it. Be bold!

When you no longer reject yourself, you feel secure. This enables you to share your True Self with others. And you don’t care so much how they react because if they don’t like you, you realize that’s THEIR problem, not yours. [Again, to see more about how this works, read the previous post: Stop Rejecting Yourself! It’s a worth reading.]

Yes, I know it’s easy to just read all these steps. It’s a lot harder to actually DO them. But I’ll be honest and transparent with YOU now – I’ve done these 8 steps. I’m still doing them. I’ve been doing them for years. Once I realized self-rejection was holding me back, I started doing these steps. And you know what? I am so incredibly free now. I am confident. I am happy (most of the time :)). I am not afraid to be myself. People can trust me because they know I am authentic – I’m not fake. This gives them permission to be authentic themselves, if they choose to. It also removes the pressure in my relationships – I’m not asking people to be anything other than themselves. People regularly tell me, “Thanks for letting me be ME.” That’s an awesome compliment to me and I don’t feel like I DID anything. I was just being ME. 🙂

This is probably a lot to digest. But since this topic keeps coming up I figured somebody needs this information – was it you?

I love to help people deal with self-rejection and become self-confident and secure. Feel free to comment below. Or you can contact me privately for coaching through my website www.destinysfreedom.com. I’d LOVE to hear from you! ♥

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

Wishing Upon A Star

Wishing on a Star

When you wish upon a star,

Makes no difference who you are.

When you wish upon a star,

Your dreams will come true.

Don’t you wish it was that easy? Just wish upon a star – kind of like the law of attraction. Just set your intentions and magically they’ll just appear.

Most of us have tried that and yeah, well, it didn’t happen that way.

However, you CAN become a Real Boy (or Girl) like Pinnochio did. Ever feel like you are kind of “wooden” in your heart? Like you can’t really feel things like other people do?

Maybe you’ve worked so hard to protect yourself that now NO ONE can get in and that worries you. Funny how that happens, huh?

You decide that you’ll never trust anyone again … and then you meet someone you’d like to trust. But now you can’t. You find that you are “stuck” somehow and you’re heart won’t open up to them. That fortress of self-protection you built is so strong that now even you can’t get through it.

Uh-oh. Now what?

You don’t have to wish upon a star & hope something “magical” just happens for you. It’s not like that.

YOU can actually make some choices that will open your heart. Yeah, really. It might be unfamiliar territory and you might feel a little uncomfortable doing it. But if you want to, if you really want to, it can be done.

Want to know how? It’s not going to be easy – are you sure you’re up for this? Better think about it for a moment. You’ve been protecting your heart a very, very long time. It will be unfamiliar to choose to trust another person and let them inside your heart.

But it is SOOOO worth it … if it’s the right person. YOU can actually FEEL loved if you do pull down that wall. Really. I bet you never felt truly loved before. In fact, I think it might be impossible to feel truly loved if you have walls that keep others out. If you never let people see the real you, then when they say they love you – you know in your heart that they don’t love the REAL you because they’ve never seen it. And they’ve never seen it because you’re too afraid to show it to them. So they love what they THINK is you, but deep in your heart you wonder if they would still love you if they saw the REAL you, right?

So, anyway, you can feel truly loved if you let down that wall.

Are you ready? I’m not going to detail the whole process – that would take a book. Check out my books page if you’re interested in going deeper. Today, I’m only going to give you the first step … here it is.

Forgiveness Key

Honestly, if you will begin to forgive those that you know you’ve locked away in your heart, you will actually set yourself free from your own walls. It’s not easy – I told you that. But oh will you feel better – I promise! You will feel such a weight lift off of you – you will wonder why you didn’t do this sooner. Here’s some inspiration –

Forgive Strong Happy

So, if you are ready to be happy – just do it! Your heart will thank you. I promise.

Feel free to post your comments below. If you’d like to contact me privately to help you work through this forgiveness thing (a LOT of people need help with that – you’re not alone), send me an email through my website: DestinysFreedom.com.

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

Sandy Walker, Freedom Coach

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