Can’t is a Four Letter Word

This post comes from a friend of mine who has an uncanny way with words.

Recently I had the pleasure of spending an afternoon at the beach, toes dug in the sand, warm water lapping, taking an easy stroll, pondering the intricacies of life with a dear loved one, and watching the sky pulse with beauty as the sun set. Ahhhh. Packing up that splendor along with the tiniest seashell and our mountain of make-the-moment-perfect stuff, we headed to my car.

Locked. Hmmm. Key? Arrgghh! Can you feel the peace begin to leak out of me? Yes, getting into my car should have been a relatively easy task, however on this particular occasion my hands were overflowing with stuff, as was the pocketbook I was digging through to find the keys. And someone was with me, hands equally full, waiting to lay down her burden in that still locked trunk. Oh, the pressure. Somewhere in the digging I called out, “I can’t find the keys.” Defeat.

In just a blink I was reminded of the power of words and immediately corrected the statement to, “Well, I haven’t found them yet, but they’re in here.” And just as quickly my attitude toward the situation changed. I went from the path to dismal frustration to the journey of committed perseverance. I knew the keys were in there and, like a veil lifting, I realized the factors that were interfering with my success were temporary. I knew that the stuff I was carrying were obstacles preventing me from finding them but those could be put down. I recognized the pressure that someone else was struggling because of me could be shifted to the comfort of having someone willing to be in the struggle with me (fortunately this was a grown up with power of choice not my 2-year-old grandson needing a nap or a potty :)). My perception readjusted, my attitude quickly followed, and my outcome had no choice but to join the party. I headed home with the key in the ignition, the sea shell in my pocket, and the sunset in my rearview mirror.

“Can’t” is a statement of defeat, a permanent end. By definition it means “not able to”,” not knowing how to”, “not capable of” . . . what a lie. In just a breath I realized how many of us every day turn temporary setbacks into permanent failure by pledging to the flag of “I can’t”. Well, I’m here to remind you, YOU CAN! Ditch the stuff you are carrying, grab hold of the friend who is willing to share both the sunsets and the struggles, and find the key. It’s in there!

Pay attention this week to how often and how quickly you give up. When you hear yourself using “the C word” in situations where you could be soaring, immediately restate the situation. Remember, the setback is only temporary so make your words reflect that. Replace it with a powerful, “I am!, I can! I will!”

by Sonya O. Boyne, A Season of Comfort

Destiny – what is it?

I’ve been thinking a lot about Destiny lately – it seems that many folks don’t know what it is. Since I’ve spent considerable time pondering this topic over the years, I’d like to share my perspective … what works for me in understanding Destiny. I use this concept with my clients when I do Freedom Coaching (see www.destinysfreedom.com for more info on that) so I’ve become pretty fluent in the discussion of this topic.

The way I see it is this: Fate is what happens to you, Destiny is how you respond. There are many, many things over which you have no control. This is usually a really hard thing for most people to recognize and admit. It’s a bit of an existential moment when I ask someone to list for me the things they have control over. Go ahead – do it yourself. Start thinking – What do I have control over? It’s a pretty short list.

For example, you did not control where you were born, the family you were born into, the DNA that determines your height, eye color, etc. You had very little control over the type of childhood you had because for the most part you were powerless, right? As children we can’t wait to grow up because we think adults have all the power – they tell us what to do, so they must have power, right? But then you finally become an adult and you STILL have so little control over your life. For some, this is a scary thought.

However, if you’ll stay with me, there IS light at the end of the tunnel. Freedom comes when you realize that if you can’t control something, you are not responsible for it either. Whew! Take off a load of that false responsibility you’ve been carrying! Most of us assume responsibility for much more than we actually have control over – this is often what creates stress in our lives.

Do you have control over your partner’s actions? Your children’s choices? Your boss’s decisions? No, no and never. So much of what happens to us is beyond our control, but that’s okay because then we are not responsible for it either. You can only be responsible for what you can control – anything more than that is insanity. Yet without realizing it most of us are in an unconscious power struggle with life over this simple thing called Control.

So how does this relate to Destiny? When you are clear on your Destiny, you do not worry about what you can’t control. You simply focus on how you want to respond to what happens to you each day. Walking in your Destiny means being intentional in your everyday choices. It is a very refreshing, stress reducing practice to focus daily on what you CAN control instead of worrying over what you can’t control. This is part of the secret of finding fulfillment in life.

Begin to pay attention each day to what you truly have control over … and then release those things that are beyond your control. You can choose your attitude, your tone of voice, whether or not you smile today, things like that. You can’t control someone else’s reaction to you, what’s going to be said about you at work or among your friends and you certainly can’t control another person’s choices or attitude. Let it go. There’s tremendous freedom in surrender – just let it go.

I hope this has brought a little bit of light to this topic today. Feel free to comment below. You can contact me privately through my website www.destinysfreedom.com.

Enjoy the day!